Technically right, but relationally wrong

This was a hard lesson to learn in my marriage.

I might have given the right information, but the…

• timing was wrong
• motivation was wrong
• approach was wrong
• delivery was wrong
• tone was wrong
• intensity (or lack) was wrong
• “wanting to win” was wrong

Being “technically right” is only half of what is going on.
It is only half of what counts as what “really happened”.

I was technically right but relationally wrong.

Cognitive and Affective Information = Human Reality

When it comes to “what really happened”, “what is really important about this“, and “what really matters”, we must unite

• the cognitive and affective information,
• the rational and the emotional
• the facts and the feelings

It is both that make human reality human.

Not Just the Relational

I’m not saying that cognitive, causal, logical, and linear information is unimportant.

I’m not saying emotions, feelings, and relationships are all that matter.

I’m not saying we can escape the process of thinking, analyzing, or arguing for the best way of understanding what happened, what were the causes, and what were the results.

But I am saying that the logical and linear facts go together with (but must come after) the social and relational feelings.

3 Steps for Being Relationally Right

Basically, you start and end with being relationally connected. And in the middle you add the cognitive information.

1. Start by affirming the relational/emotional context
   • “I can tell I’m feeling amped up about this conversation. This must be important to me.”
   • “I know that interaction we just had was hard/bad. This is what I could have done better.”
2. Convene the specific information, pattern, or facts about the situation.
   • “My understanding of what happened is that this happened first, then this happened, and then (etc). And it’s important to me because…”
   • “I feel this often happens because of “x”…”
   • “I believe this is what I said about that…”
3. Check-in relationally again
   • “How does that sound to you? Does that make sense?”
   • “How are you feel about me bringing up?”

How have you seen this work in your relationships (spouses, children, co-workers)?

IF YOU SAW YOURSELF in this (or you know someone who would) you probably have an avoidant-dismissive attachment strategy (which affects your relationship with God more than you think).

So, if you want to learn to attach to God beyond this avoidance, join our waiting list for our next learning cohort (coming in April).

See also: The Integration of Abiding: Feeling, Thinking, Doing